Infection

I sit watching the news
And you wonder why we don't report our rapes...
Our president
Like a word vomiting bulimic
"These women are cons. Just trying to get something."
Tell me, what was I trying to get.
First time.
I was 7-years-old
A girl
No
A child.
Mr. President, tell me what the fuck I was trying to get.
I told.
"What were you wearing?"
Black spandex leggings. 
Mom loved the 80's
An oversized 'The Linoleums' t-shirt
My brother's punk band. 
"Did you say no?"
Does running and hiding count?
Does pulling away while saying no count?
I was frozen in fear as this grown man pulled down my black spandex leggings
As his cold fingers caressed my vulva.
I was 7-fucking-years-old. I didn't even know what a vulva was.
I reported. And no one believed me or got me help.
We teach children to not report, because how can we believe them?  They are children.
Second time.
I was 25-years-old.
My thoughts raced.
I groped after them like memories in a pensive
But this wasn't Harry Potter. 
This nightmare was reality.
What happened?
It started out consensual. 
Did he know he raped me? 
Did he think that because I said yes and then said no, that only the yes counted.
I don't like my hair being pulled anymore. 
I kissed my rapist goodbye.
That kiss was the only katana I had left.  My bruised and battered body.
My sodomized anus, bleeding in my panties.
That kiss was my only weapon for safety
My body screamed
My lips trembled, I hoped he would confuse that for nervousness.
Did he know he raped me?
I could feel where he left himself on my body and where he took a piece of my soul.
I still do.
No amount of soap can bleach my skin clean of his presence.
No amount of sex from men and women can prove I am worth of sexual gratification
No amount of love can fill the holes in my soul
They are like an infection
An infection that has festered for years and has grown
seeping into ever crevasse of my life.
Now therapy like a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and a knife.
Slowly debreeding the infection.
Maybe someday it will make room for my self-worth to return.