I hate you.

I hate you because you see right through me.
So open and so bare I cannot hide a thing
You know what is hidden behind these blue eyes
Xray vision piercing through layers and layers of
Barbwire and concrete emotional fences
Protecting my fragile heart.
I hate you because you see right through me.
I wish we could talk, but we can't
You worry, and I know it.
You try to not feel bad, but you do.
You see how broken I can really get.
I hate you for that.
I hate you because I
Can't be all broken inside
I hate you because I
Can't pretend, because you see though every act
I hate you because I
don't want to let anyone close
Yet you are there.
Damn you.
Private inner thoughts and feelings are no longer mine
You know truths that I would rather hide
I say nothing and you set off a nuclear bomb that wipes away
EVERY last protect layer I have been able to build.
Why must you look at me like that?
What must you see all the shit I don't want you to see?
Why can't you just leave me be!
Because you know.
I don't really hate you.
I feel naked and scared
A small child hiding behind grown up walls of resentment, guilt, and fear.
Do you see?
I mean do you really see me.
How can you stand to still be around?

Lessons I should know

Live like you don't have a tomorrow
Dance like your life has no sorrow
Scream like you can never be silent
Know Peace like their was no violence
Cry with your whole heart and soul
Smile like the world hasn't taken it's toll
Love like you have never been broken
Laugh like evil words weren't spoken
Dream like the world is yours
Talk like no one ignores
Be you, because that is the only thing you can do!

Beauty

Beauty comes in many shades

Though tragedy seems to fade

These colors

And as I sit trying to find my beauty within

I struggle to fit in

Feeling like a freak

Self doubt can be covered by a mask

Such a daunting task

I am exhausted

I let you see what I choose to show

Though know one can possibly know

What is going on behind these blue eyes

Fake it till you make it is a common phrase

But concern it does raise

in me

How do I justify those who commit actions that break

And Forsake

Who I am inside.

How do I defend the person I am today

And let the past wash away

When the past is thrown in my face?

I just try and navigate each day with grace

Though at times I fall on my face

But I at least know I have beauty

Despite scars on the inside and out

Despite all the times that I experience doubt

In me

I know I am beautiful

I know I am worth it

I know I am strong

I know that one day, I will fully believe

That I am beautiful.

Insomina

Oh insomnia

A close personal friend these nights

As I fight

For sleep that is my right.

My brain just won't go to sleep

Like the 7 times my lap top has since I started writing this.

Or the 3 times the DVD player has gone through the movie

Or the 9 times my heater has turned off.

Why can't you just be like them?

Oh Insomnia, we court and quarrel like lovers.

And can't you just take the hint?

No no, you must visit me.

And only when it is convenient for you.

Well I have words for you.

Actually only two.

They are: Screw You!